INT. LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
We open on a television set. The screen is black.
An eerie chord sounds and splinters; text appears.
LOST.
EXT. REGENCY HOME – DAY
When we return, gone is the island! Instead, OUR HEROES materialize, bedraggled and apparently out of thin air, on the grounds of a grand Regency estate. CHARLES WIDMORE looks on from a nearby window, twirling his nonexistent mustache.
Surprise!
You’re gonna love it. LOST: The Regency Season! What a way to go, right?
We zero in on the action.
JACK SHEPHARD
You fell down a hill and twisted your ankle? I’ll save you! Don’t you love me? Fine. I’ll be off crying in the forest if you need me TO AMPUTATE YOUR LEG.
JAMES “SAWYER” FORD
I challenge you to a duel, Mr. Shephard! I say, have I misplaced my shirt again?
KATE (ahem) AUSTEN
I love you, Mr. Shephard! No. I love you, Mr. Ford! No, I love you, Mr. Shephard! No, I love you, Mr. Ford! No, I love you, Mr. Shephard! What? You want your gun(s) back? La la la I can’t hear you! What?
SAYID JARRAH
Tell me where Wickham and Lydia went, or I’ll kill you with my thighs!
JOHN LOCKE
That Churchill fellow cultivates an admirable air of mystery. Care for some backgammon, shooting, and/or pseudo-religious posturing? Don’t tell me what I can’t do!
VINCENT
Woof!
BEN LINUS
(stares)
JULIET BURKE
I can kill every single one of these ladies with my brain.
CLAIRE LITTLETON
Gypsies warned me not to send my baby away, but what do they know?
DESMOND HUME
These ladies are tolerable, but not handsome enough to tempt me…away from mah Penneh. PENNEH!
ELOISE HAWKING
This time-travel nonsense is no match for the majesty of Rosings Park!
PENNY WIDMORE
Memo, Anne Elliott: Don’t let your man go off to sea. The only thing worse than years of crushing loneliness is having to rescue him from a lifeboat in the South Pacific ten years later. Ask me how I know!
HUGO REYES
Dude, where’s the Dharma cold meats platter?
We close on the castaways burning a bonfire as the sun sets. They’re alone. OR ARE THEY? Mr. Collins skulks around the shadows, unbeknownst to all.
END
austenacious 