Jane and the Doctor

If there is a sun in the solar system of ladies, located in Galaxy Anglophilia, which is smack in the middle of the Universe of Nerdery—if there’s an object of such size and immense gravity that it pulls everything else toward itself and gives it all something to orbit—that sun may lie somewhere near the intersection of Jane Austen, Sherlock Holmes (and especially Sherlock), and Doctor Who. And if this week’s news is correct, we may soon be feeling the pull of that sun: Mark Gatiss (Mycroft Holmes; also John Dashwood from 2008) has confirmed, vaguely, that he might be writing a Jane Austen episode for an upcoming season of Doctor Who.

Batten down the hatches, my friends. It’s all coming together.

Gatiss has written a number of Doctor Who episodes, and I’m sure he doesn’t need my help throwing a story together, but the opportunities here are practically endless. And so I present to you, readers, a selection of possible Austen-oriented plots featuring everyone’s favorite humanoid alien in a police-box spaceship:

– Henry Crawford is actually an alien masquerading as a Regency douchebag; the Doctor arrives to take him out and fly the TARDIS over the ha-ha. Fanny accepts the Doctor’s invitation to travel as his companion, and grows a spine as a result of her newly broadened experiences.

– The Doctor accidentally lands the TARDIS in the middle of the ball at Netherfield, where he accidentally sweeps Mrs. Bennet off her feet. Having realized his error, he accidentally forces Lizzy and Darcy to dance, where they fall in love and accidentally circumvent the entire plot of Pride and Prejudice.

– The Doctor visits Catherine Morland at Northanger Abbey. “I KNEW IT!” she cries.

– John and Mrs. John Dashwood are revealed to be selfish aliens with no regard for the human family unit. The Doctor chases them back to their corner of the universe and restores the Dashwood ladies to their rightful fortune, though they retain their lease on the seaside cottage as well, where the Doctor stops by every time he wants to hear the sound of the sea on Earth.

– Anne Elliot meets the Ood, and gets along with them pretty well.

– Emma Woodhouse attempts to matchmake the Doctor with Miss Bates; he politely and regretfully dashes off to chase the Cybermen out of the strawberry patches at Donwell. He and Mr. Knightley celebrate and commiserate later with a nice glass of Scotch.

What about you? Where do you see the Doctor showing up in Austen?

And the Jane-velope Goes To…

If you are anything like the Austenacious team, you will be spending Sunday evening watching people you do not know win awards you did not help bestow. You may or may not care about the awards themselves (though, ahem, you may feel unusually strongly that Cate Blanchett should win for Blue Jasmine); you may be watching to ensure that Lupita Nyong’o has worn something flawless, or to see who’s photobombing whom, or maybe you’re just super into the Mani-Cam.

And at some point, somebody you are rooting for will lose. Somebody you are rooting against will win! That person will make a terrible, boring, pretentious speech. And you will think, just for a second, Well, nobody asked me.

But take heart. WE are asking you. Be our Academy! Below, we’ve created a series of Jane-related categories for which we feel there should be awards, and we need your votes! Click, and make your voices heard! And when La Blanchett wins, we know she’ll thank you in her acceptance speech.

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Jane for the Gold: Women’s Terrible Sister Finals

“Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to our tape-delayed evening coverage of the Ladies’ Terrible Sisters, or ‘Bitchiness,’ competition. I hope Twitter hasn’t told you the outcome! Here we are in the third rotation of the individual all-around, and the rivalries are fierce! Let’s check in with a few of the top contenders.”

“Miss Caroline Bingley is the heavy favorite coming into this evening’s rotation, and she’s worked hard for the title of frontrunner. Her bold style and her role in Austen’s most-read novel certainly places her at the head of the pack, but for Miss Bingley, it’s not just a label. We’ve seen that she is especially strong in the ‘direct insult’ and ‘letter of malicious intent’ events.”

“I have seen Miss Bingley stumble occasionally; her periodic lack of subtlety has been known to reveal her true character to the observant viewer, including that famous interaction regarding Elizabeth Bennet’s dirty hem and fine eyes. She would do well to proceed carefully this evening if she wants to keep it under wraps and get the guy. Remember, being terrible without being obviously terrible is key to this sport.”

“Mrs. John Dashwood might be a surprise contender, what with the ‘well, they don’t really need MONEY to LIVE ON’ maneuver—we haven’t seen much of her, but her skilled manipulation of her husband shows skills that might easily take on this field. What Mrs. Dashwood lacks in name recognition, she makes up for in subtlety—just look at the way she talked John Dashwood out of providing for his half-sisters and their mother.”

“She’s so effortless. Just look at that—a picture of grace. And by grace I mean incredible selfishness.”

“You’re so right about that. Now, what you do think about Mary Crawford’s standing in the competition?”

“Mary is something of a dark horse here tonight. Her performance during Tom Bertram”s illness last year really put her on the map—viewers will remember the way she implied that perhaps Tom’s death and the distribution of his fortune might actually be a boon to his family and ‘friends’—but with the tough competition this year, I don’t think she’ll end up on the podium. She might be prettier and more socially adept than Miss Bingley, but I just don’t think she has the killer instinct.”

“So right. And here we have the underdogs of the group, the sister-pair Julia and Maria Bertram. What’s your take on their act tonight?”

“Ooh, Julia and Maria have really been struggling this week—they obviously passed the Trials stage, but I just don’t think they have the consistency to excel in this event. Athletes like Miss Bingley and Mrs. Dashwood make clear that this field isn’t just about mild cluelessness; it really has to be pointed and intentional, and oh, look at that display of compassion. That’s not going to help them at ALL.”

“They have got to be wondering what they’re doing here. I mean, rumor has it they’ve been laughed mirthlessly out of the athletes’ locker room and have resorted to sitting in the corner, eating their own hair.”

“Ooh, that’s not good. For them, I mean. It’s pretty good for everybody else.”

“Obviously.”

“Well, we’re only twenty seconds from the conclusion of this rotation, so let’s break for commercial. Stay tuned for further coverage of the Shrill Mothers competition later tonight; we guarantee you’ll need your earplugs. We’ll be back in just a minute; don’t touch that remote.”