Worst. Jane Austen. Greeting Cards. Ever.

I am by no means the first person to think of quoting Jane Austen for my own profit. Indeed, the market for Jane Austen greeting cards, in particular, might be considered saturated. Funny, really, when you consider how few of her quotes say what she meant, out of their original context. That’s the good old irony at work. Even her most famous quote: “It is a truth universally acknowledged that a single man in possession of a large fortune must be in want of a wife.” Did she mean that? I never can decide . . . However, that does not prevent me from suggesting my own line of greeting cards, and the (in)appropriate occasion for each.

Guests/hosts

It was a delightful visit; — perfect, in being much too short.

I will not torment myself any longer by remaining among friends whose society it is impossible to enjoy.

Weddings

Happiness in marriage is entirely a matter of chance.

How little of permanent happiness could belong to a couple who were only brought together because their passions were stronger than their virtue.

A large income is the best recipe for happiness I ever heard of.

You have liked many a stupider person.

Get-well

My sore throats are always worse than anyone’s.

Those who do not complain are never pitied.

Retirement

You have delighted us long enough.

People always live for ever when there is any annuity to be paid them.

Life seems but a quick succession of busy nothings.

And the Laugh-a-Minute Miscarriages

Mrs Hall of Sherborne was brought to bed yesterday of a dead child, some weeks before she expected, ow[e]ing to a fright. I suppose she happened unawares to look at her husband.

Readers, what Jane Austen quote would you least like to see addressed to you? What quote do you think is the most misapplied, or the most misunderstood?

Photo credit:

http://www.flickr.com/photos/bensutherland/ / CC BY 2.0

Jane’s Etsy Gift Guide 2009

Happy Thanksgiving, readers! Have some pie, on us!

Now that that’s over with, let’s be serious. The holidays are coming, and you know what that means: joy, wonder, and sparkly lights? No. (Well, yes, but…no.) Think shopping. Think six a.m. crowds. Think finding the perfect gifts for your loved ones, unless you’d rather bless them with a mounted faux fish that sings “I Can’t Help Falling in Love With You” every hour on the hour. Fun for the whole family!

We at Austenacious are here to help, whether you’re making up your own wish list or shopping for the Austenite in your life. We’ve scoured Etsy—land of the vintage, the handmade, and the vintage handmade—for the coolest, prettiest, funniest Janely goods out there, and we think you’ll like what we found.

Happy shopping!

Do Not Faint Jane Austen Moleskine journal, $16 at yardia

Paper and pen! How quaint! Give the writer in your life a bit of Janely advice and a cool place to record Important Thoughts. This medium-sized Moleskine has 96 pages (80 plain, 16 detachable); the cover features an original illustration of a Regency-era dress and a quotation from Jane’s early novel Love and Freindship (sic). Jane would have loved it; we certainly do.

Wallet made from print of a P&P first edition, $19 at bookity

Calm down: It’s not a real page. (We checked.) But it is a reproduction of the title page from a first edition of Pride and Prejudice, printed on 100% cotton, lined with striped pink fabric, and made into a wallet/card-holder, and it’s also a pretty awesome gift for your favorite P&P fan, especially if he or she tends towards disorganization or likes giving heart attacks to fellow book-lovers. Not that we know anybody who needs this. Ahem.

P&P Christmas ornaments, $7 at  Brookish

To be honest, practically everything from Brookish would be a great gift for the Austen-fan set, but we think these Christmas ornaments filled with nearly two sliced-up pages from Pride and Prejudice (again, copies—we hope) are especially elegant. Did we say Christmas ornaments? Nothing here is red or green: keep them out all year long for a shot of literary decor whenever you need it.

Mr. Darcy proposal dish towel, $10 at Brookish

Need a little romance in your life? What about your kitchen? This dish towel screen-printed with Mr. Darcy’s proposal (in pretty handwriting, no less) to Elizabeth Bennet is just the thing to put you in the mood…what for, we don’t really want to know. Just promise us you won’t swoon with anything hot in your hand, okay? Safety first.

Eight letterpress cards with Jane quotations, $16.95 (or $4 each) at letterarypress

Words escaping you? Really need to get your point across, but not looking forward to catalyzing epic drama over the holidays? Maybe Jane can help. Say what you really mean with these eight beautiful and beautifully snarky Jane-quotation greeting cards by letterarypress–after all, Jane says it best, and she’s not around to get in trouble!

Regency couple suitcase, $52 at BrightWall Studios

Carry your baggage—emotional and otherwise—in style with this vintage suitcase hand-illustrated with the silhouettes of a Regency couple. Lined in red, with amenities of the luggage of yesteryear (movable compartments!), the suitcase measures 18″ x 21″ x 8.5″—perfect weekend size—and trust us, you’ll never lose your stuff on the airport baggage carousel again!

Jane Austen finger puppet greeting cards, $3.25 at DearDeerDesigns

Looking for a gift that doesn’t require extra postage? This gift is the card: a double-sided Jane Austen finger puppet greeting card! Make a cut-out or leave her whole; if you think a paper finger puppet isn’t hours of entertainment for the likes of Jane’s fans, well, we must have just met. Nice to meet you.

You Have Delighted Us Long Enough switchplate, $10 at alamodestuff

For the reluctant, impatient, or charmingly sarcastic host in your life, Mr. Bennet comes through…as always. Guests staying too long at the piano? Guests staying too long, period? This switchplate comes in a variety of styles (to accomodate all your lighting-control needs) and is certain to make your friends laugh…as the door shuts behind them. See? Form and function: together at last.

Now, get out there, people! Shop! Find cool handmade stuff for the people you love!

Oh, and one more thing:

Happy holidays.

Quote Unquote: No Check to My Genius

On February 14, 1998, I bought a card because it had an enchanting quote from Jane Austen on the front:

“Expect a most agreeable letter, for. . . having nothing at all to say, there shall be no check to my genius from beginning to end.”

I still have this card. (I also have the receipt, which is how I know the date.) For 11 and a half years, I’ve been looking for the right occasion to send it! But there is something so intimidating about having to follow this essentially Austen opening bid, shall we say, that I never have. Clearly, ironically, an ordinary occasion would not be good enough. One can’t claim to have nothing to say, then cheerily write “Happy Birthday! Love, Mrs. Fitzpatrick” as if nothing had happened. Assuming one likes one’s friends and wants to keep them, I mean.

So it would need to be an occasion of love or friendship only: where you were writing to the person solely for the enjoyment of their conversation; because they love you and they’ll laugh at your jokes. And the good old tradition of writing nothing-saying notes about what happened in church yesterday, and who was wearing what, and why, has moved almost completely to email, texting, and IM-ing. (I’m too old to convert Jane’s fillip of inspiration to lol-speak, but any readers who can have my full support.) So I could see this as the opening line in an email I wrote to my best friend at 1 A.M. But generally speaking, I only write lettery cards at Christmas, when someone gives me something, and to relatives of a certain generation. These are not witty letters (shame on me). I feel, and here is the nub of the situation, that my ability to write “mere lively chat” has been sadly underused and diminished of late. I mean, you’d have to sit up all night to be witty enough to follow Jane! (Not that, AHEM, that doesn’t stop a lot of people from trying!) Alas, do we now only write about serious or boring things in our own hand? I want to say, “No!” but who has the time for writing witty nonsense? Or, ha, there’s the rub, rather than confining our wit to one close friend, we blog it out for the world to see. The strangely public lives we lead. . .

I am now convinced that this card is nearly useless, but that the quote could be adapted to a wide range of situations. Really, “Having nothing to say, there shall be no check to my genius from beginning to end.” might be the mantra of modern times. I mean that in a completely good way, of course.

Special Halloween note: Check out our limited-time-only Halloween header! (You may have to refresh or clear your cache to see it.) Zombies, man? You are so old-school! Clones is where it’s at for the horror this year! Would Jane kill Jane? We’ll never know for sure.

Photo credit: ©2009 by Heather Dever. All rights reserved.