Alert! Alert!

Readers, do you remember those hilariously sexy coffee ads? Carte Noire? Greg Wise? Joseph Fiennes? “Are you sitting comfortably”?

YOU GUYS, THERE IS A REAL GUY WHO DOES THIS.

For $1 a minute, BBC Radio correspondent Alex Collins will ride his bike to the location of your choice and put his professionally trained speaking voice to work reading the novel of your choice. You, the listener, lie down for optimum relaxation; he sits. He wears a tux and bow tie. He says our Jane is quite popular.

To those of you who don’t live in or near San Francisco…well, I’m sorry. You’re just going to have to move.