So I was listening to NPR today—that happens to me a lot; I’m insufferable—and I heard this story about silly warning labels. There’s a contest for this! I got to thinking about warning labels, and how I know so many people who should probably have them—wackily obvious or not. You know how it goes. “Warning: Will communicate poorly, then micromanage.” “Warning: Will corner you at parties with stories you don’t want to hear.” “Warning: Will run the garbage disposal during your favorite TV show.”
It occurs to me that basically everybody in Jane Austen should come with a warning label—which, if you think about it, may be the calling card of a great cast of characters. A group of fictional folks so lifelike that we want to broadcast their most obvious and habitual faults in simplistic but obviously necessary language? People with such serialized issues that we want to warn the world? Now that’s good characterization.
Obviously, the bad guys (and girls!) of Austenia deserve giant, neon floating banners of shame: “Will seduce your young daughters (before their older sisters!) and leave them without honor or resource.” “Looking for some fifteen-year-old action.” “Has the friendship skills of a Real Housewife of Wherever.” Jane rejoiced—or tolerated, though I think there was some joy there—in the kinds of villains who deserve to be pointed out, for sure.
But let’s face it: every single one of Jane’s heroes and heroines should probably also come with little labels of truth. “Will meddle for food or entertainment.” “Probably thinks you’re a serial killer.” “Is an old dude” (as if we couldn’t tell?) You know? The only character I can think of that doesn’t tolerate a warning label is Jane Bennet—”Is too pretty and sweet-natured for her own good”?—whatever that means. But, again, it pleases me that even the good guys, the ones I love the very most, aren’t that good. Because, really, who is? I like that Jane knew that and had the courage to be honest about it.
Readers, who in Jane do you think deserves a warning label, and what would it be?
austenacious 
Oh, fabulous! I’m already thinking this is great for writing, a very quick summing up when working out a character’s basic flaw.
Meanwhile, is it too too obvious to suggest….
Warning: may induce excessive eye-rolling on the listener’s part with surfeit of compliments previously composed but adapted to suit the occasion.
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Warning: may begin quoting from Fordyce’s Sermons at any time.
Warning: contents highly flighty; do not attempt to handle unless armed with Romantic poetry.
Warning: highly malleable. In case of unsatisfactory response to marriage proposal, leave country for eight years, then attempt proposal again.
I could play this game for hours.
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