How to Be a Jane Austen Father

Mrs. Fitzpatrick, , , , ,

Mr. Darcy, Mr. Knightley, gentlemen: congratulations on landing the babe of your choice. I have no doubt, birth control being what it is, that you’ll all soon be fathers. As you might guess, the rules of being an awesome Austen dude change a bit with dad-hood. Let’s go over some basics.

  1. Break off, I repeat, break off any entails your estate is under. I know being a manly man you assume you’ll have a son, but it just might not happen that way. And you don’t want your daughter to have to marry her skanky cousin, now do you?
  2. You guys have all chosen well, but just in case. . . if your wife doesn’t quite live up to your expectations, don’t ignore her and leave her to her own devices. It doesn’t pay, and the kids might not turn out well.
  3. Speaking of which, take some interest in your children. Let them know you love them, and don’t leave them under the care of their evil aunts. (Note: Almost all aunts in literature are evil. It’s one of those phenomena.)
  4. Don’t think about your own looks, and don’t value the kids based on theirs. Keep as few mirrors in your dressing room as possible.
  5. When making out your will, don’t leave the kids tied to their mother’s purse strings. Let them choose their own careers and destinies. Everyone will be a lot happier.

OK, guys, got that? Fatherhood is tricky territory. So watch your step and one day you too might receive a cravat that looks like a fish.

How to Be a Jane Austen Father

3 thoughts on “How to Be a Jane Austen Father”

  1. Didee says:

    Don’t forget (6) Teach your children to fight vampires or the undead. It will help in the future when pre-teen girls and their moms insist that everything has to have “dreamy vampires” in it. One guy came close with zombies, but zombies are kinds the oppositte of heart-throbs.

    Like

  2. Excellent list, though I quibble with number 3 – yes, most aunts in literature are evil, but I think there should be a “cool aunt” exception clause for such excellent aunts as Anne Elliot or Emma Woodhouse. Presumably also a pro-cousin clause for the likes of Jane and Elizabeth Bennet.

    Possible other suggestions:

    7) Avoid the bottle – it tends to alienate not only potential suitors, but also the children themselves, especially if they’ve been reared away from your rather slovenly home.

    8) If at all possible, do not be named Richard. If such a name is unavoidable, do try to be a good fellow in spite of this misfortune.

    9) Gruel is not, repeat not, something with which to feed your children – just ask the orphans. Additionally, while marriage should not be your child’s obsession, when a suitable match presents itself, placing obstacles in its way generally prevents good parent-child relations (and beware the turkey thieves).

    Like

    1. Mrs. Fitzpatrick says:

      ibmiller: I do agree that not ALL aunts in literature are evil. I think a useful exemption would be aunts who are also heroines. They are usually not evil. And in Wodehouse, there’s the notable exception of Aunt Dahlia, who stands for good among the evil legions of aunts abounding in his literature. Someday I will write a post about it, but my thoughts really have not gelled yet.

      Like

Comments are closed.