The Huffington Post had an article this week on Ten Tremendous Women Who Never Married. It’s an august list, you guys: Queen Elizabeth I, Susan B. Anthony, Florence Nightingale, and our own Miss Austen. Oh, and Oprah Winfrey. Samara O’Shea meant it as a “sweet reminder that you don’t need anyone but yourself to live an incredible life and have people remember you long after you’re gone.” True indeed, Samara, though you do need incredible drive and determination. Or, if you’re a cynical loner, these things happen more naturally.
Because Jane didn’t have all that hopeful a picture of marriage, did she? We may love to imagine Lizzie and Darcy, Emma and Mr. Knightley, et al., drifting off into the sunset, but Jane paints a dreadfully real picture of long-term marriage. Loveless marriage, that was her great fear, and what her heroines strive so much to avoid. Lots of heroines strive for love and marriage, but Jane knew so well what could go wrong, and she doesn’t let us forget it.
She lived with her parents all her adult life, and it shows. Just think of Mr. and Mrs. Bennet: “[he], captivated by youth and beauty, and that appearance of good humor which youth and beauty generally give, had married a woman whose weak understanding and illiberal mind had very early in their marriage put an end to all affection for her.” The dangers of loveless marriage are all around you in Pride and Prejudice, and Jane devotes a whole page to describing the ill effects of the senior Bennets’ marriage, not only on their own happiness, but on their children’s fates in life. (It’s at the beginning of Chapter 42, if you want to check it out.) Mr. and Mrs. Collins show us the beginnings of one of these loveless marriages, with Charlotte deriving all her happiness from “her parish and her poultry,” and so do Lydia and Wickham, “brought together because their passions were stronger than their virtue.” (What a delicate way to put it!) Today we are all too aware of the fragility of happiness in marriage, and while it was no doubt well-known in that time too, the idea that “respect, esteem, and confidence” was necessary in marriage was not so common. You might call it Jane Austen’s revolutionary thesis.
Most of the marriages in Austen’s books have a kind of nothingness to them, with the same history as the Bennets’. Think of Sir Thomas and Lady Bertram, Mary and Charles Musgrove, or Mr. and Mrs. Palmer in Sense and Sensibility (so hilariously brought to life by Hugh Laurie and Imelda Staunton). Or Mr. and Mrs. Allen, Catherine’s chaperones in Northanger Abbey. I’m always haunted by the line “Mrs. Allen was one of that numerous class of females, whose society can raise no other emotion than surprise at there being any men in the world who could like them well enough to marry them.” The idea being that they don’t like them for long; what usually passes for love doesn’t last. In a way it’s the lack of tragedy in these marriages that is heartbreaking. These people are just getting on with it, tied to someone they don’t love and don’t hate—just someone who annoys them day in and day out.
The only truly disastrous marriages I can think of are anything involving Lady Susan and that of Maria Bertram and Mr. Rushworth. And since Maria gets married out of spite and a broken heart, not too shocking that it doesn’t go well. She’s as emotional as Marianne, and she doesn’t get off so lightly.
On the happy side, we basically get the dark example of Fanny and John Dashwood in Sense and Sensibility, the Gardiners in Pride and Prejudice, and Admiral and Mrs. Croft in Persuasion: “If I loved a man, as she loves the Admiral, I would always be with him, nothing should ever separate us, and I would rather be overturned by him than driven safely by anyone else.” As she got older, was Jane mellowing? Surely Persuasion is a more mellow book in general, with musings on autumn, and the sea. I think she believed happy marriages were possible, but that they required a lot more thought and effort than people generally suppose. And that’s why Elizabeth Bennet, Emma Woodhouse, and Anne Elliot don’t just feel love (twue wuv!)—they think about it, as rational creatures. They think about love without being dreary and grim, and so they appeal to us today, when thought is more expected, if not universally practiced.
On being asked about her broken engagement, Jane Austen wrote to her niece, “Anything is to be preferred or endured rather than marrying without Affection.” Even living with your parents, it seems.
Photo credit: ©2009 Heather Dever. All rights reserved.
austenacious 
“She lived with her parents all her adult life, and it shows.”
Do you mean that she chose not to marry or are you implying that her parents marriage was loveless? I’ve never read anything to suggest that – just the depiction of their marriage in Becoming Jane. In fact, as Mrs. Austen married beneath herself, I always assumed this to be a love match.
The Morelands have a happy marriage (as demonstrated by the size of their brood – much like the Heywoods in Sandition and the Austens themselves). While Lady Bertram might be insipid, she clearly adores her husband and he never does anything in the book to suggest that he regrets his unequal match. The Dashwoods were presumably quite happy before Mr. Dashwood’s death, as were the Woodhouses. And while we may despise John and Fanny Dashwood that doesn’t mean that they aren’t well suited. Jane Austen clearly believed that marriage should not be entered into lightly but was she really so pessimistic about the prospect of happiness as you portray her?
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Alexa, et al: Thanks for the thoughtful responses! I appreciate you guys keeping me on my toes.
By “She lived with her parents all her adult life, and it shows.” I mostly just meant that she had a close observation of a long-term marriage that was not her own. I’ve never seen Becoming Jane, but I think I have read that, at least, her mother was not an easy woman to live with for anyone. Also, that she never married to get away from living at home, which can be a pretty common motive.
I didn’t address the Morlands, or the pre-book Dashwoods or Woodhouses b/c I wanted to focus on marriages JA actually commented on in some way. I don’t recall much commentary on either of those (though maybe I should reread). Re John and Fanny, I did list them in the happy examples: I called them a “dark example” b/c they are pretty obnoxious – but happily united in being so. Though I did, since I wrote the post, think of two happy examples I wish I’d included: Colonel and Mrs. Weston, and Louisa Musgrove and Capt. Benwick. The Westons are interesting b/c they are a thoughtful marriage of mature adults, who know what they’re getting into. And Anne’s reaction to Louisa and Benwick’s engagement is quite optimistic: “They will grow more alike.”
Re the Bertrams: Hmm. Maybe this is just a personal interpretation, but I think of Lady Bertram as being pretty unaffected by marital emotion of any sort – she doesn’t miss Sir Thomas while he’s away, though she is glad he’s back. And the only real mention of his feelings, I think, is that he doesn’t want to play cards with her (as who would?), so, who knows?
Soooo, I still think she was pessimistic on the idea that being married was naturally happier and better than not being married, but not that marriage was doomed to unhappiness by any means.
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lovely! I enjoyed reading this 🙂
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Another great woman who never married- the illustrator Jesse Wilcox Smith 1863-1935, who recognized the convention of marriage – the social and familial responsibilities of it all, would leave no time for her art. She shared a home w/ 2 other women illustrators and a friend who did all of the housework. Leaving her free to concentrate on her art. Eventually the other women married. Jesse was the only one to reach the success that she did in her art career. At the time- the only rival to her success was Maxfield Parrish- who to this day remains the most successful American illustrator of all time. In the 1920’s it was said that there was a Parrish print on every wall and on every coffee table; a Jesse Wilcox Smith magazine cover.
I imply,of-course- had Jane married- we would not have her tremendous work. Not to say married women can not produce great works of art- but speaking from experience- once married and a mother- time is not an ally in the creation of it! Tho- one would never give back the experiences had in marriage and motherhood- one can acknowledge and come to terms with the trade off. I think Jane knew this too.(Or I would like to think it)
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Mrs light: Hard to say whether we would have had JA’s works if she had been married, but I think you are right. Alas. I mean, we know she wrote surrounded by family, but a marriage (not to mention children!) takes up mental space, as well as time. For myself, being married with no children, I do think there is some trade-off, but less if your husband is committed to your continuing with your art. Have you ever read Gaudy Night, by Dorothy L. Sayers, btw? She has lots to say on these things.
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Interesting post! I’ve always found Jane’s view on marriage helpful, in a way–at least, the idea that it’s better to be alone than be with someone and unhappy. I do agree with Alexa Adams, though. While many of the couples are in loveless connections, there are many who are quite happy with their marriages, enough that I don’t feel that Jane was particularly pessimistic about marriage, just about stupid people marrying for the wrong reasons.
I think the last paragraph sums it up best: “I think she believed happy marriages were possible, but that they required a lot more thought and effort than people generally suppose.” Which is, I think, still very true today, and something that I wish more people understood before marrying.
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“They think about love without being dreary and grim, and so they appeal to us today, when thought is more expected, if not universally practiced.”
I find that thought is expected among most of my peers. Family members, however, don’t always seems to want me to think about my future husband. They often remind me of the family members of Austen heroines!
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