Dear Jane,
I recently met a young man at a party, and I think I’d like to date him. He’s very cute, and I think he likes me. But I’m shy, and we don’t live near each other. How should I proceed?
Adoring
Dear Adoring,
Beware! Before you embark on any journey of affection, it would be wise to discover the man’s history with as much veracity as possible. Good-looking and personable men are, as we all know, typically cads and liars. Prepare yourself.
What do you know about this gentleman’s family? Has he any cherished siblings whom you might engage in conversation? Seek out handsome, true-hearted childhood friends from whom you may learn the truth, and remember: handsome, true-hearted childhood friends must always make superior lovers. Were it not for the smiling, beguiling leeches of our honor and decency, many an honest match would never have been made, and thank the heavens for them!
If you have any sisters, be sure to spread the news about this treacherous young man as quickly as possible; the more attractive and honorable his manner, the more likely it is that he will soon make off with the first silly, naive creature to cross his crooked path. Save your family the expense and the trouble of a midnight search party. It is your duty to report the future misdeeds of this young scoundrel-to-be.
You must now congratulate yourself, Adoring, on preventing such scandal from approaching your door. Better to attach yourself to this lout’s sworn enemy, and save yourself the trouble of a charming, good-looking husband.
austenacious 